oh, time… and blogging..but most importantly, LIFE

I haven’t really been into this whole blogging thing. I was close to deleting…again. But, a lot has been taking place and I haven’t had much of an outlet, so I have decided to start.

Let’s see…so much to catch up on.

To get straight to the point, I decided on March 19th  to go into rehab. Yes. Rehab. I was making a lot of bad decisions due to depression and stress and was not making things better, just worse. It all started with a ridiculous breakup. Lord. The heart it a wondrous thing. And mine, I thought at the time, was ripped to shreds. Now, I can’t even feel the pain as time surely has healed all the wounds and I have nothing but love and admiration for the “ex” who is truly a wonderful person. We just simply didn’t work out.Thank goodness.

Anyway, rehab. It was the best 21 days of my life. I LOVED IT! I met amazing people and learned so many wonderful things that I still work to apply to my life and still struggle with.

One of the biggest gifts I was given was a relationship with a guy. Now, this is completely frowned upon in recovery. And boy, let me tell you straight out that I completely understand why. Recovery is a personal journey and one that can truly only be done on one’s own, as all the focus needs to be on personal recovery. But, as you all know, I never seem to do anything by the books. hehe. geez. So…

There have been many wonderful things that have come out of this relationship. I have found a partner in life. Someone who truly cares about me. All my faults and all. Someone who has stuck by me through numerous breakdowns, a relapse, anxiety attacks… things that not any human would stick through. And his family has taken Wesley and I in with warm, loving and open arms and named us as part of their family. It has truly been beautiful.

It has worked the other way too. He has had an intense enterance back into the “real world” and has struggled more with it than I have. And I have stuck by him through it all because I truly believe in him. I do. And I have lost aspects of my friendships because of it. Because from the outside, it has to look crazy, chaotic, unhealthy, and destructive. And I would be lying if I said it hasn’t been. BUT, when you know your passion for someone, you know it. And I can say that it is the first time in my whole entire life when I have felt like no matter what we go through, in the end, it will be completely worth it and I am so thankful that he has been given to me.

This last weekend was one of the roughest tests of our time. There was a car accident, a relapse, an intervention with another family member, an arrest and time needed to be served, and I thought that I couldn’t possibly take any more. Thank GOD for Carrie and her unwavering heart for being there for me. I was leaving. It was done. It was never going to get better. I was finished.

But, I prayed for the first time in years. And I asked God to truly lead me to where I needed to be. And that night I had a dream with Wesley and Donnie. They were together. (Donnie is J’s friend who passed from a Heroin overdose in November) They never said anything. They just stood there. Together. Looking at me and they both smiled. And I know that they were telling me that everything was going to be ok. That J and I are not just a phase or and accident. That it is the real deal. So, much to many peoples dismay, I am sure, I have made the choice to stick with him, just as he has stuck with me. MOre than many may realize.

This does not mean that I will be the same person I was before last week. I have been thinking a lot about how to take care of myself and Wesley and to make things happen, as it has been a HUGE struggle to find work, deal with my mental health, find living arrangements, deal with all the personal issues that surfaced while in rehab, finances etc. I have a lot to do. BUT, I can start to do this on my own terms and time and this will only help to manifest more strength and beauty in my wonderful relationship with the person who has melded with my soul. And that is the bottom line. I know that our souls are connected and I would be crazy to not recognize this.

There are two quotes from the Baha’i Faith that keep hitting me in the face over and over. One, many of you know has kept me going for years now. The other is one that I didn’t even realize I held so close, but was also a gift from my guardian angel, Wes, in a dream about 2 months ago.

The first:

“The test of existence is motion. An object which has in itself the power of motion lives. If motion is withheld growth ceases. That is mortality.” –Abdu’l-Baha

The Second:

“Where there is love, nothing is too much trouble and, there is always enough time.” –Abdu’l- Baha

I don’t consider myself attached to religion. I have “officially” left the Baha’i Faith to start over in my spiritual path, but I know that I am connected with Abdu’l-Baha as I have had profound dreams with him and know that it has to mean something. So, I believe in my deepest part of my being that I am in the right place.

My mom has a beautiful mantra that she shared with me many moons ago. She says, ” I am in the right place at the right time and Gods love and guidence surrounds me and all times and under all conditions”.

I appreciate this. As I am just now starting to feel like God and I can be on close terms.

So, there you have it. I love my life. Even with all the horrible things that have taken place. I have learned more about the human condition in the last 3 months and have found myself feeling more real than ever before. And Real hurts for me right now. But that is ok. It is real. And I stand strong where I am. Even though I have not one answer to one single problem I have.

Everything is going to be ok. Everyghing is going to move. And everything I have, feel and experience is real.

Peace be with us all.

I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it.

Chrissy will be here tomorrow. With her husband, whom I have not met in person. And her girls. Her 2 child ladies. Wha? I haven’t seen Chriss since before I moved to KS. (well, I did see her on x-mas break). And now, we are mommies! What? And Jackie. Jackie is coming over. With her baby girl. This is crazy. The 3 of us haven’t been in the same room in YEARS! It’s gonna be a trip. trip-tastic.

snuggie time!

Ok, so  when I was in Texas in November, I was lucky enough to stay where there was cable. massive amounts of cable. I was able to watch all the brainless tv i wanted…and did. One night, while surfing the tube, I came accross an infomercial. It was the most entertainingly cheezy, horrible infomercial I had seen in a long time! I had to put my face in my blanket to keep from laughing too lou as everyone else was asleep. I couldn’t wait for carrie to wake up so I could tell her all about it.

The Product? The Suggie.

The Lameness of said product? SUPER Lame.

The next day, I shared my story with Carrie, giving her my best reenactment using my best infomercial voice. She rolled with laughter, and we kept our eyes open for the next airing. I also told my friend Anea, also in Round Rock, who called a few hours later to say she had been spamed by the snuggie company. A few days later, Burl, my god dad made reference to the horrible commercial he saw…of course. The snuggie.

A few days after I got back to STL, carrie called me and told me that while visiting KC before her wedding, her step-dad, Calvin, had purchased his first item off of the tube. What could it have been? The snuggie. 2 for the price of one, included with 2 reading lights. He was very excited. We waited for them to show. I soon got pics of Carrie and Calvin “snuggied” up in the living room. When I asked Carries mom if they were worth it, she said, “Go buy a cheap fleece at Wal-Mart.”

There is nothing like taking a bathrobe, wearing it backwards and then marketing the idea to the general public, making blankets feel like an inadequate and inconvenient waste of time.

Anyway, the snuggie has found it’s place in  my life as a constant joke that never seems to go away. Just this morning, my friend Anea sent me this. It is already become a cult classic.

Because there is nothing better to do at 5:27 am than bloggggg

I don’t know what in the world is going on. I can’t sleep. I have been up all night. ALL NIGHT! Last night (well, that would actually be 2 nights ago) i didn’t fall asleep until 4:30. The night before that it was around 2. This is completely out of my norm and most ridiculous. aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Actually, I have a pretty good clue as to what it’s all about. Life… LIFE I tell ya!

My new role model, P-Diddy (no joke. I love the man and all his entrepreneurial deliciousness) once said that his work is his love and that’s why he doesn’t ever sleep. Because when you love something that much, it consumes you to the point of sleeplessness….I have just sheepishly realized that many great prophetic persons have also stated this same theory and I feel a little silly that P-Diddy is the one who hit me over the head with it. That is so how it would work with me. I swear…

Anyway, you know my usual, never ending search for everything? And you know how I am like a gypsy and can’t ever stay in one place too long? And remember how I am a total Seattle junkie and have never once in 6 years of NOT being in Seattle stopped talking about how much I love it? well…

I am so close to jumping a plane.

Now, this is a very serious decision. And the timing is actually a little off, since my best girl is about to move here. But, something is pulling me. I can’t stop waffling on it. It is consuming me. BIG TIME! Like officially. I need Seattle like a mug needs coffee. (wow. that was so accidentally cheez-o. Did I mention I am starting to go delirious?)

I had a really long talk with my friend Josh who is back home. We have known each other since we were 6 and have stayed in contact all these years. He just really made it all make sense. He always makes really good sense.

Alright, I am going to go back to NOT SLEEPING! maybe I”m make some coffee….

love you.

The cold has got me down.

I am sick. It is the annoying sickness where your ears are plugged up, your nose is stuffy and you have a hideous cough that makes you feel like 500 bricks are sitting on your chest. Good times.

I have been in bed for 2 days because this sickness has sucked all the life out of me. It isn’t a dayquill friendly sickness. No. it just won’t go away.

So, I figured, this is a great time to do a ton of homework and get it out of the way early. But, alas, I seem to read the same paragraph over and over and none of it processes. So, I blog.

Things are well. I mean, things aren’t horrible. But, I am getting really tired of job searches and working on my resume. It is a tedious path and it seems to be going nowhere. BUT, carrie is faithful in believing that there is a magic job waiting for me out there, and so, I pause and relax until she gets here for a visit on the 12th. Then, she will join the job search and resume work and help me to release my inner rock star. It’s easier to be a rock star when you have a screaming fan. And Carrie is a loyal die hard fan.

Wesley is incredible. He is just on the cusp of giving lectures (in full sentences) on nuclear physics and playing the violin. Smart cookie, that boy. He has been carrying around this miniature violin and bow for the last two days saying, “Biolin, momma! and resin bow!” Me thinks I have a violinist on me hands. Or a football player, a pianist, a painter, or a comedian, or a stunt man, or a lawyer. Maybe a doctor. He is very good at telling me to “Beel better, mommy!”

We are having the strangest winter here. It really hasn’t been that cold. Well, I think it was freezing around the time I got back from Texas, but I can’t decide if that is because I came from a 70 degree November where I wore flip flops and tee’s the whole time to immediately needing a winter coat and gloves. Maybe i just wasn’t  acclimated. Seems Seattle got the snow we usually receive, while us Missourians have had a fairly consistent 40-60 degree weather report.

Ok, that’s all. I’m going to attempt that paragraph again and see what happens.

good. goodness.

Much has been going on, but nothing that intriguing.

I am in my second term of school and loving it. I am taking a Composition for Business which is focused on writing business documents. Sounds boring, but I love it. I am also taking a software applications class which is my favorite. I have spent the last decade making up my own way of using excel and powerpoint, and am thrilled to be learning the actual way to use them. This week, we are making a pp about ourselves. It is hard to fit your whole life into 10-13 slides. But, it is fun to be able to apply some creativity into my homework and I am really enjoying it. Plus, this means that my computer and I get to spend much more time together. and I love her.

Wesley has been sick for 4 days with a bad cough, fever and cold. He seems to be a bit better today, thank goodness. Poor little guy. He has been in a pretty pathetic state. BUT this does mean that he has been extra cuddly and snuggly and I can’t complain about that!

I have fallen in love with watching tv shows on my computer. It is so great to sit in bed with a cup of tea and watch pointless tv that otherwise I would miss due to parenting duties. I love it.

I rearanged our living space in the basement and it is finally feeling amazing. It is very bohemian. I feel better about having to stick around here for a while now. I have been able to define some space as my own. It has done wonders. wonders I tell ya.

Tonight, I am going to go to Messuguh to do some homework and then might hit up Pin Up to visit with Terry, an old co-worker. He is the door guy and has lots of time to chat, so, there will be company. That is nice.

Carrie and Brian found a house .6 miles from my house! What? Can we say miracle? I am so excited for them to be here. And so is Wesley. He loves his Uncle Brian and Aunt Carrie and talks to them all the time… even though they aren’t here. HA!

Anyway, as I said, pretty boring. But it is better than being in the depths of dispare!

love.

See you MONDAY!

Ok, I will begin with a side note. WordPress changed the dashboard layout. I hate it when sites change their dashboard layouts! ugg.

And now, a post.

Carrie and Brian got married. Again. You see, they had two weddings. One in the great state of Tay-has to accommodate the lovely family and friends there. Then, they got married in Kansas to accommodate the lovely family and friends there. The second of the two weddings took place this last Saturday. I was a bridesmaid. It was the first time I have ever had an “official” place in a wedding party, and I found it quite grand. Grand indeed. And, I won a sweet bridesmaid dress that can be used again for… maybe a semi formal dinner party. So, If anyone needs a date to a formal dinner party, I am available AND have a very nice dress. But, back to the wedding stuff. It was amazing. Touching. My eyeballs teared up a few times. I love those two. They are amazing and are going to be amazing god parents to dubbs. I am honored that I got to be a part of it all.

I can’t tell you how much fun the last month of life has been. I have traveled. I have met AMAZING people. I have been around people that I absolutely LOVE and I have had the chance to make life a little less monotonous. Just kind of mosey around. I wish it didn’t have to end, but alas. Something called the “real” world beckons my presence, once again. And though I am refreshed and ready, I do kick and scream…just a little. a lot… But just a little.

I finnished my first term of school with a 3.85 GPA, which feels pretty darn good. I have gotten a rocky start on the second term, due to above mentioned travel and weddings and did not plan as well as I should have. BUT, I will soon redeem myself. I am sure of this. Oh, yes. I will.

There will be pics up soon on facebook. *cough. Carrie? bust it.* Please enjoy as I got to dress up and look real purdy and stuff. And got to stand around with handsome boys.

I end with the name of this post. It is a saying that wesley uses to say goodbye, and monday pertains to any day of the week where he might see you again.

See you monday!

The stars at night, are big and bright…

Oh, Texas. How fabulous you were!

I had the best 2 1/2 weeks! The best I think I have had in YEARS! Really. No exageration. I got to stay with Carrie, Brian and Jeff. Wesley got thrown around and wrasled with daily by big huge Texan men. He learned all about foot ball. He loved it. And I loved it equally. Brian and Wesley fell in love.

Carrie and I had a blast. We got crafty. Made a wedding wreath for her San Antonio wedding. (The official exchange of vows) went shopping. I bought an amazing pair of shoes. And Carrie bought lots of amazing clothes that I plan to steal when she moves up here.

I got to spend tiime with Anea and Issac, got to do all the decorations and got to witness their union.

I got to eat a lot of food. Good food. I gained a much needed 13 pounds. holler to that.

I got to hang out with Jeffrey a lot. He’s a great dude.

I got to see my god parents, Britt and Burl and my god brother Jordan.

I got to hang with some other NW’s and some Canadians. Basically, it was like a NW takeover in Pflugerville, TX. It was great.

Most importantly, I got to get away and get refreshed. As you all know, I seem to need dramatic change after dramatic change. It was perfect. My head is on straight. I can see things clearly and in a much healthier light. I am not angry or sad or hurt anymore. Just thankful for experiences and lessons. And those are the things to take with you. I threw all the bad stuff in a dumpster somewhere in Oklahoma. And no, I am not bi-polar as I was being told. I just wasn’t doing so hot emotionally. I wasn’t handling things in the right manner.

It has been hard coming back. The weather was perfect. Pretty close to 70 the whole time. And coming back to the cold has been a little hard. So, I think I am a sun person. Like the sun does wonders for me. And I have had to re-enter some aspects that I don’t like, but feel the true, healthy motivation to make changes. And I know that it won’t happen over night, and that’s ok.

And that is all for now. Go to my Facebook or myspace to see some pics!

yes Chrissy,

It’s time for a new post.

Oh, life. You are so interesting!

I have had a lot of changes take place. Lots of good and lots of hard things. But am working diligently on finding a balance.

I have decided to put off finding a job until January. I am just going to focus on getting through this term and most of the next, work on Carie’s wedding, go to Texas for Anea’s wedding, sleep, get refreshed, work on making some long term and short term goals, and try to network and make some new friends, work on establishing a new life for myself here, since the old life seems farther and farther away every day. That’s mostly a good thing, though there are still some pangs in my heart that I am now sure will never go away. But, as I learn to distance myself from it all, the pangs aren’t so frequent.

That’s all I can really say. Mostly everything is very personal and I am not willing to share them. But, life is going. It’s good.

Hope all is well with all of you!

newness. yes. it’s a word.

This is for all of you who want to know what has been going on and I haven’t called for the sake of repeating a story that doesn’t need to be repeated a thousand times. I’m pretty much done talking about it. Even to myself.

I quit my job today.

In more ways than one, I didn’t want to. I loved my job. I loved my coworkers. You really can’t beat them. But sometimes 1- heavier then 100+ and to make it possible for me to move forward and be the person that I am, I had to leave. Because broken hearts don’t heal when they are still being stomped on. But, that was my fault…and I regress…

It is very hard. As I walked out of the office today, it really hit me. It’s the end. It is the finality of an era. An era that I didn’t think would end. I can say with all my heart that I made the decisions I made because I thought that only good would come of it. I thought that everything I had wanted had come together.

I got in my car and called Carrie. I was feeling light and carefree. Free. Time. I had time. But, just about 15 minutes ago. I sat on my back porch and bawled my eyes out. It’s all gone. It’s official now. It’s. all. gone.

I had built it with my own two hands. Sure, there were some construction mishaps, but all in all, I thought it was sturdy and ever lasting. But, alas, it tumbled down. And for months now I have been standing in the rubble, pretending that I could still function normally there, though there was nothing I could retrieve that was in the same shape. And so, today, I halled it all away and am now staring at fresh ground and looking to lay a new foundation. One that won’t crack or crumble. But, I have to stare for a bit. Check my tools. Make a plan. Then execute.

So, no, I don’t have a plan B. I have no idea how I am going to pay my bills. But, I have to trust that I have done the right thing and that it will help me open the doors that I have been slamming for years.

A good friend told me yesterday that she wanted me to know that she recognized that I had raised myself from the beginning and that I needed to be very proud of myself for getting to the point I am at in life, because it was all me and I wasn’t given a heck of a lot of tools. That was so amazing to hear. So, I have to give myself a break and brush off the things that were recently and inappropriately expected of me, because I have been figuring out life on my own. And really, I have done an amazing job. And no one gets that credit but me.

No boys. Nope. Not looking for any of those. Don’t know when I will be ready for that again. It took me years to get where I was and it might take me years to get there again. But that’s ok. (booo) Because right now, it’s all about me. I have a lot of healing to do.

So, that’s the update for all of you that I never get back to. And thank you for your kind words. I just wish you all weren’t in every other state!

And there you have it.