Happy Birthday!!

TO MY BABY BOY!!!

HE’S 2!!

wow.

im going to KC tomorrow to relax. I never in a million years thought I would say that. Go KC.

I was a loony-bin…

goodness. this is a very hard time. Especially, since when it really comes down to it, it is all my fault, yet I had little control over the situations that led up to the devistating outcome.

A few posts ago, i had written about how I had been put on meds to help with my ainxiety. Well, they didn’t work as hoped. They actually turned me completely manic. So, I have literally been a little out of my mind. I have made some pretty rash statements in heated moments, mostly heated because of me and my lack of communication skills when it comes to my partner. Now, my communication skills needed work before the meds, but the meds made me a crazy person, threatening break-ups over every little thing. the words would be coming out of my mouth and I would be thinking at the same time, “Gen, what the hell are you saying? You don’t even mean that or want that. Your really love this person.” But, the words were said and he, very understandably, explained that he didn’t play that sort of game and that he wouldn’t be able to put up with it for much longer.

We took the weekend apart. He went to the lake. I spent the weekend doing great outside activities with Wesley and took a lot of time to think about what had been going on. We met up on Sunday night. And we actually worked everything out. Until he and I disagreed on the STUPIDEST THING OF ALL TIME and I flipped. I swear i was in another persons brain. I was trying to tell myself that I was over reacting, but couldn’t stop my frustration with him. i got in my car, and as I drove off, i yelled out the window, “It’s over. Really. This time it’s over!” he just shrugged his shoulder and walked towards his condo. I made it around the corner about 25 feet before I had to pull over. Tears streaming down my cheeks. Realizing that i had just lost the person that i cared most for. The person that i was in love with. the person that i was wanting to share life with eventually. Pain. Just pure pain.

We didn’t talk at all on monday. Wesley got sick (again) on tuesday. I again had time to think and gave him a call just saying that I wanted to try to clear the air so things wouldn’t be wierd. He said that we were not getting back together, but that he just needed some space and we could talk about it later.

I am getting myself off the meds. I’ve been weaning off of them for a week and a half, but still feel like a freak. I have an appt with a therapist and hope to get myself on track. But, it hurts that i will have lost my love.

The moral of the story, you can’t invite people onto a sinking ship. Otherwise, everyone drowns.

im single

and it really really hurts. and that’s all im going to say about it.

I should know…

I should be able to be prepared for the fact that when things are good, it means that things are about to get bad. real bad. I should have this down by now.

weekends. They’re my favorite.

I am pretty excited.

I am going camping for the 1st time since I have moved to the Midwest! It is only one night, but I am  excited none the less. It will also be fun because it will be Wesleys first camping trip EVER! Ralph is showing us the greatness that is the Meremac River/caverns. Though I don’t think we will spend the mucho bucks on the cavern tour, we will relax next to the river, eat good food, play soccer with the ball that Ralph bought Dubbs, take lots of pictures, make memories, etc.

I love my time with my boys. I feel totally and utterly complete.

Holler to completeness.

my head, bugs and money

so, I got this lame migrane at the end of the work day yesterday. I barely made it up to Wesley’s school (its about and hour there and back.) and had to immediately go to bed. This sucked for many reasons, but the most frusterating part is that I didn’t get to hang with Wesley. I feel like I never see the little guy. it is dreadfull.

Anyway, I stayed in bed for a good 3 hours feeling like my brain was loose in my skull every time I moved. so I stayed as still as possible. Then i finally felt ok enough to get up and decided to go outside and get some fresh air. It was so beautiful. Light humidity. About 68 degrees. Our backyard is full of honeysuckle. And the cicadas were going crazy. It was the first time I have heard them this year. They kind of freak me out in the big picture, but when you just listen to them, it is calming. relaxing. enjoyable. Just another one of those moments that made me realise that i like it here. The midwest is becoming more and more like home.

Besides that, I am on a search for $1,000,000. If anyone has any leads….

sometimes.

sometimes I just want to spit. Is there a full moon? Or am I just surrounded by crazies?

On a happy note, my basement appartment is almost done, I got a new car and a brand new bed!

and I love my boyfriend.

Ok, back to crazy-land. Good luck, Gen. Good Luck.

oh, gosh!

so, life has been quite a whirl wind lately. But I will just get right down to the nitty gritty.

The last 2 years have been very mentally and emotionally challenging for me. Of course they would be. I have become a mother. That’s a pretty significant thing and is sure to spice up an average existence. blah. blah blah. so, anyway, I have been struggling more often then not with the insane chaos and trying to keep some sort of balance and schedule to our lives. I have been pretty unsuccessful in my mind and have become so stressed out that my health really hit rock bottom. this has been going on for months. weight loss, vomiting, migraine headaches, panic attacks, etc., and all the while I have been trying to keep the smile on for the outside world. Well, after a pretty horrible weekend filled with no check offs on my to-do list and an amazing amount of  bad news from all kinds of sources, I knew I was in for it. I woke up with a migraine on Monday. it was a text-book migraine. HORRIBLE. the worst I have had yet. It forced me to go back (for the 4th time) to the doctor to try and piece together a diagnosis. And FINALLY, they gave me medication. I got migraine meds. that was nice. But, I was then prescribed an anxiety medication. I was diagnosed with a ”temporary anxiety disorder”. I think that’s funny. Not forever, just temporary.  Anyway,i have been taking it for 2 days and can’t tell you what a difference it has already made. I am almost like hyper-focused. I have gotten more done at work in the last 24 hours then i have been able to do in weeks. I have been laughing like crazy. Mostly at my own jokes, but have thrown a few good jabs at co-workers who commented on my whit. Nice. I’m not only able to laugh, but I am also funny! I feel like things aren’t such a big deal. (example: I had made a list of things to bring up to the doctor and was ripping the paper out of the notebook and I ripped it in half. I almost cried over this. I think that’s a bit much…don’t you?) I know what things need my energy and the things that can just “shove off”. it’s amazing. really. amazing.

good grief.

I have all kinds of things I can blog about……

….BUT I AM ALWAYS AT WORK!!!

Maybe I’ll hit it up this weekend after the basement remodel is fin.