This is for all of you who want to know what has been going on and I haven’t called for the sake of repeating a story that doesn’t need to be repeated a thousand times. I’m pretty much done talking about it. Even to myself.
I quit my job today.
In more ways than one, I didn’t want to. I loved my job. I loved my coworkers. You really can’t beat them. But sometimes 1- heavier then 100+ and to make it possible for me to move forward and be the person that I am, I had to leave. Because broken hearts don’t heal when they are still being stomped on. But, that was my fault…and I regress…
It is very hard. As I walked out of the office today, it really hit me. It’s the end. It is the finality of an era. An era that I didn’t think would end. I can say with all my heart that I made the decisions I made because I thought that only good would come of it. I thought that everything I had wanted had come together.
I got in my car and called Carrie. I was feeling light and carefree. Free. Time. I had time. But, just about 15 minutes ago. I sat on my back porch and bawled my eyes out. It’s all gone. It’s official now. It’s. all. gone.
I had built it with my own two hands. Sure, there were some construction mishaps, but all in all, I thought it was sturdy and ever lasting. But, alas, it tumbled down. And for months now I have been standing in the rubble, pretending that I could still function normally there, though there was nothing I could retrieve that was in the same shape. And so, today, I halled it all away and am now staring at fresh ground and looking to lay a new foundation. One that won’t crack or crumble. But, I have to stare for a bit. Check my tools. Make a plan. Then execute.
So, no, I don’t have a plan B. I have no idea how I am going to pay my bills. But, I have to trust that I have done the right thing and that it will help me open the doors that I have been slamming for years.
A good friend told me yesterday that she wanted me to know that she recognized that I had raised myself from the beginning and that I needed to be very proud of myself for getting to the point I am at in life, because it was all me and I wasn’t given a heck of a lot of tools. That was so amazing to hear. So, I have to give myself a break and brush off the things that were recently and inappropriately expected of me, because I have been figuring out life on my own. And really, I have done an amazing job. And no one gets that credit but me.
No boys. Nope. Not looking for any of those. Don’t know when I will be ready for that again. It took me years to get where I was and it might take me years to get there again. But that’s ok. (booo) Because right now, it’s all about me. I have a lot of healing to do.
So, that’s the update for all of you that I never get back to. And thank you for your kind words. I just wish you all weren’t in every other state!
And there you have it.
