I haven’t really been into this whole blogging thing. I was close to deleting…again. But, a lot has been taking place and I haven’t had much of an outlet, so I have decided to start.
Let’s see…so much to catch up on.
To get straight to the point, I decided on March 19th to go into rehab. Yes. Rehab. I was making a lot of bad decisions due to depression and stress and was not making things better, just worse. It all started with a ridiculous breakup. Lord. The heart it a wondrous thing. And mine, I thought at the time, was ripped to shreds. Now, I can’t even feel the pain as time surely has healed all the wounds and I have nothing but love and admiration for the “ex” who is truly a wonderful person. We just simply didn’t work out.Thank goodness.
Anyway, rehab. It was the best 21 days of my life. I LOVED IT! I met amazing people and learned so many wonderful things that I still work to apply to my life and still struggle with.
One of the biggest gifts I was given was a relationship with a guy. Now, this is completely frowned upon in recovery. And boy, let me tell you straight out that I completely understand why. Recovery is a personal journey and one that can truly only be done on one’s own, as all the focus needs to be on personal recovery. But, as you all know, I never seem to do anything by the books. hehe. geez. So…
There have been many wonderful things that have come out of this relationship. I have found a partner in life. Someone who truly cares about me. All my faults and all. Someone who has stuck by me through numerous breakdowns, a relapse, anxiety attacks… things that not any human would stick through. And his family has taken Wesley and I in with warm, loving and open arms and named us as part of their family. It has truly been beautiful.
It has worked the other way too. He has had an intense enterance back into the “real world” and has struggled more with it than I have. And I have stuck by him through it all because I truly believe in him. I do. And I have lost aspects of my friendships because of it. Because from the outside, it has to look crazy, chaotic, unhealthy, and destructive. And I would be lying if I said it hasn’t been. BUT, when you know your passion for someone, you know it. And I can say that it is the first time in my whole entire life when I have felt like no matter what we go through, in the end, it will be completely worth it and I am so thankful that he has been given to me.
This last weekend was one of the roughest tests of our time. There was a car accident, a relapse, an intervention with another family member, an arrest and time needed to be served, and I thought that I couldn’t possibly take any more. Thank GOD for Carrie and her unwavering heart for being there for me. I was leaving. It was done. It was never going to get better. I was finished.
But, I prayed for the first time in years. And I asked God to truly lead me to where I needed to be. And that night I had a dream with Wesley and Donnie. They were together. (Donnie is J’s friend who passed from a Heroin overdose in November) They never said anything. They just stood there. Together. Looking at me and they both smiled. And I know that they were telling me that everything was going to be ok. That J and I are not just a phase or and accident. That it is the real deal. So, much to many peoples dismay, I am sure, I have made the choice to stick with him, just as he has stuck with me. MOre than many may realize.
This does not mean that I will be the same person I was before last week. I have been thinking a lot about how to take care of myself and Wesley and to make things happen, as it has been a HUGE struggle to find work, deal with my mental health, find living arrangements, deal with all the personal issues that surfaced while in rehab, finances etc. I have a lot to do. BUT, I can start to do this on my own terms and time and this will only help to manifest more strength and beauty in my wonderful relationship with the person who has melded with my soul. And that is the bottom line. I know that our souls are connected and I would be crazy to not recognize this.
There are two quotes from the Baha’i Faith that keep hitting me in the face over and over. One, many of you know has kept me going for years now. The other is one that I didn’t even realize I held so close, but was also a gift from my guardian angel, Wes, in a dream about 2 months ago.
The first:
“The test of existence is motion. An object which has in itself the power of motion lives. If motion is withheld growth ceases. That is mortality.” –Abdu’l-Baha
The Second:
“Where there is love, nothing is too much trouble and, there is always enough time.” –Abdu’l- Baha
I don’t consider myself attached to religion. I have “officially” left the Baha’i Faith to start over in my spiritual path, but I know that I am connected with Abdu’l-Baha as I have had profound dreams with him and know that it has to mean something. So, I believe in my deepest part of my being that I am in the right place.
My mom has a beautiful mantra that she shared with me many moons ago. She says, ” I am in the right place at the right time and Gods love and guidence surrounds me and all times and under all conditions”.
I appreciate this. As I am just now starting to feel like God and I can be on close terms.
So, there you have it. I love my life. Even with all the horrible things that have taken place. I have learned more about the human condition in the last 3 months and have found myself feeling more real than ever before. And Real hurts for me right now. But that is ok. It is real. And I stand strong where I am. Even though I have not one answer to one single problem I have.
Everything is going to be ok. Everyghing is going to move. And everything I have, feel and experience is real.
Peace be with us all.
